Posted by: stillironic | December 21, 2009

South of the Border University—7


Cassius Lemchek, dean of SOB’s Samuel O. Switchback College of Law, had been scheduled to moderate the assembly that morning. But in a drunken rage the night before, President Izzard had suspended Lemchek and replaced him temporarily with Roland Roscoe. SOS law school was yet again in danger of losing its accreditation. The only faculty the school could attract were lawyers who’d been brought up on charges but never actually disbarred, lawyers from Mississippi, and law professors from other schools who needed a break from teaching.

SOS had been threatened with a loss of accreditation twice already. Both times the school managed to survive. Gregor suspected financial transactions had been involved.

He had once thought of starting classes at SOS himself. While he was shopping at Winn Dixie one day, a checkout bagger, who doubled as an SOS recruiter, handed him a flyer offering $250 to anyone who signed up for a free first-year’s worth of classes. But a little research informed him that a degree from Switchback was next to worthless. Unless you wanted to limit your practice to towns across the border from Juarez and Tijuana.

Gregor was incensed over Roscoe’s appointment. Before joining SOB, his only experience had been managing a Roy Rogers. How had that even qualified him for his first job as marketing director of the ag school. Of course, Basil Yeast was known for his gullibility. In this latest move, Roscoe had apparently convinced Izzard that the Director of Enhancement was uniquely equipped to enhance the law school and its reputation. Drunk on Jack Daniels, Izzard bought the argument.

Gregor was the first person to speak at the assembly. “As an academic institution I think we need to acknowledge that the construction of a giant, er, iceberg is a waste of time and money.”

“Karl,” Roscoe said, “that’s not to the point.”

“My name’s not Karl,” Gregor said.

A student in the back piped up. “I think Karl’s point was contextual, your honor.”

“Karl, the iceberg is a done deal,” Roscoe said. “It’s constructive input we’re after. Who knows what kind of thinking is required here?”

“Astrological,” a second student shouted. “Mercury is in the third house—”

“You.” Roscoe pointed to a third student.

“Rational thinking?” she asked.

“People!” Roscoe said, “Duh. Thinking outside the box. ”

© 2009 by Virginia Gerhart


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