Posted by: stillironic | December 24, 2009

South of the Border University—10

Icebergs and Body Parts

Dr. Solomon R. Metzger, the global warming specialist, was not enjoying his visit as guest lecturer at the College of Beyond Belief. Every time Izzard was sober enough to meet with him, the scientist looked either alarmed or confused. To rectify the situation, Izzard marched over to the ag school and chewed out Dean Yeast.

Yeast tried not to listen to Izzard’s tirade by practicing a visualization technique he was trying to master. How useful it would be if he had a recording of Izzard saying TA’s didn’t need to speak or understand English. So he visualized bringing up the subject of TA’s again with Izzard and surreptitiously turning on his pocket recorder.

When Izzard was finally silent, he sneered at Yeast.

“How about a ceremony of some sort,” Yeast suggested. He was damned if he was going to act defensive. “Why not dedicate the plastic iceberg in the main quad to Dr. Metzger.”

Izzard raised his eyebrows and nodded. “The biggest game of the season is in three days. Newly named Iceberg University will hold a dedication ceremony an hour before kickoff!”

Gregor heard about the ceremony and Roland Roscoe’s selection as m.c. No surprise there, Gregor thought. Izzard always held a brunch at 9 a.m. before home games. And was plastered by 9:15. He’d attend the dedication propped up by a handler the university had recently hired.

The dedication of the iceberg! A perfect place for Roscoe’s violent demise. Early on in the ceremony, Gregor fantasized, when Roscoe was standing alone in front of the iceberg, it would explode, inexplicably. Roland Roscoe’s body parts would rain down all over campus.

© 2009 by Virginia Gerhart



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