Posted by: stillironic | February 10, 2010

Ten things we can do with all this snow

1. Sell it to tourists from warm climates. Will require generating an urban legend about snow’s pleasure-enhancing properties. The sexual aids industry will be sure to jump on the bandwagon!!

2. Create new cocktails such as the snowmelt mojito, the snowmopoitan, and sex with a snowman/snowwoman to add to the snowball, the avalanche, and the midnight snowstorm. Figuring out how to ferment snow will be a big bonus!!

3. Send snow to the Arctic COD to counter the problem of glacier melt. You’ll be a shoe-in for the Nobel Prize!

4. Start demanding zero fat, carb, and calorie deep-fried snow at McDonald’s and other fast food outlets.

5. Turn snow into a derivative and sell it to institutional investors. Bundle it with other assets and no one will know!!!

6. Make jewelry out of those little balls of snow that cling to your mittens and your dog.

7. Make snowballs, preserve them in Lucite, and say they were handled by Johnny Depp. A surefire way to make a killing on ebay!! (Suggested by Phil James)

8. Convince Ben Bernanke that the Fed assign snow high rates of interest. The run on snow and its removal by greedy depositors will get rid of it pronto!!

9. Write an eHow article on the Web about how to roll snow joints and wait for the bucks to pour in.

10. Women with softies as husbands or boyfriends: Stick lumps of coal under the deepest snowdrifts in expectation of finding diamonds when the snow melts. Burst into piteous tears when this fails to happen. Expect a gift of diamond jewelry to arrive shortly.

© 2010 by Virginia Gerhart

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