Posted by: stillironic | March 22, 2010

Too Old to Blog

I’m definitely too old to blog. People who visit blogs don’t want to read about my medications (though the story about how I weaned myself off oxycontin when every cell in my body was screaming for another dose is marginally amusing).

Nor do they want to read about a body that’s falling apart. At the current rate of decline, it will have completely fallen apart by, uh, next month. Which would then require me to report on my efforts to duct tape it back together. (I wonder if duct tape comes in fashion colors?)

Who cares about my arthritis diary? I started the diary thing when my former bitch of a primary care doctor suggested I keep a food diary. I went to her thinking I had a food allergy. My symptoms—gas and bloating—indicated, she said, NOT a medical problem. But a social problem. As usual she was SO helpful. I finally tried Beano. And it worked! So instead of a food diary, I started to record my adventures with arthritis. (Sample entry: “Just what the fuck* is arthritis?”).

Also, blogging requires the frequent use of words like “fuck,” fucktard,” “douchecanoe,” “penis kite tail” (as in “how many penises do you have flying from your kite’s tail?”), and “masturbation rag” (as in “honey, isn’t it time for you to knit me a new masturbation rag?”). I don’t mind using these words and phrases occasionally (see above*) when appropriate—such as when they add depth and meaning (as in “my former doctor, that douchebag”)—but I wouldn’t be comfortable constantly peppering my blog posts with them.

Plus I don’t even own a kite, with or without attached penises.

And the C word is out (although a foreign language alternative would merit serious consideration).

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Responses

  1. Oh you are going to get a lot of traffic for this one, my friend!

    🙂

    • Keeping my fingers crossed!

  2. I am still digesting many of the juicy morsels in your post but I can report that YES, duct tape DOES come in designer colors:

    http://www.duckbrand.com/Products/duck-tape/color-duck-tapes.aspx

    I suspect “douchecanoes” do as well but may have to gel on that one a bit.

    Beano, huh?

    • I can’t tout the benefits of Beano too much! It has an enzyme in it that my body apparently lacks for easily digesting grains, veggies, and, well, beans, all of which are big in my stay-young-and-sexy-forever diet.


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