Posted by: stillironic | April 10, 2010

Weekend Feature: “Ask Dr. Doggett”

Maurice Doggett, Ph.D., Physics, Mathematics, and Film Criticism

Answers to Life’s Perturbing Questions

Dr. Maurice Doggett is head of the world-renowned Maurice Doggett Institute for Advanced Research and a multitasker extraordinaire. Currently, he is working on several important projects: the invention of cold fusion, the discovery of a theory of everything, and the answer to what in the world was George Lucas thinking when he made Star Wars I, II, and III. In his newest endeavor as personal advisor to the universe, he is here to answer what perturbs you.


Dear Dr. Doggett,

They say life begins at 40. Well, for me life ended at 40 when I was trampled to death by irate clients. I’m emailing from Hell—yes, there’s Internet here, though wifi is spotty. My problem is I’m having a difficult time meeting the right women. There’s no in Hell, and we get no help from El Diablo, as he insists on being called (he’s got a Spanish Inquisition thing going on right now).

You see, I committed massive securities fraud and have zilch in common with most of the women I run into. You wouldn’t believe the number of female serial killers in this place. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” is so for real, which means I keep my distance from these psycho-bitches. “Putting the screws to you” is no figure of speech here. Women I consider to be “in my league” are a bit too femi-Nazi, if you know what I’m saying.

My break from the rack’s about over. Look forward to your advice.

Arnie, formerly of Lehman Bros.

P.S. Not many hookers in residence—just the throat slitters.

Dear Arnie,

You need an attitude adjustment, my friend. Hasn’t Hell taught you anything? You have an eternity of torture ahead of you. Where’s the humility? You’re simply going to have to lose the misogynism if you want to date someone other than a psycho lunatic. I don’t suppose Hell offers gender sensitivity training. Check the web for self-help sites. BTW, is there dating in Hell? I hear all about how much dating is Hell, but not about whether Hell has dating.



  1. Priceless, brilliant, hysterical.

    So nice to find good writing.

    • Many thanks, Jayne! I really needed that. Been getting a little discouraged. I think you wrote about connecting with your audience, recently. I don’t think I’m connecting very well with my tiny audience. (on the other hand, I have no trouble connecting with my imaginary audience :-). Any advice?


  2. I KNEW the wifi was going to suck in hell. DAMN! But I figured there’d be more hookers. 😉

    I agree with Jayne that your writing is fantastic. Imaginary audiences are far superb to actual ones. I freaking LOVE my imaginary readers- so don’t stress over the numbers. (Not that you asked me, and I am sure Jayne has much more eloquent advice because she is totally more eloquent than I am.)

    I say: ROCK ON!!!

    • Thanks, Marymac, you’re one of my heros! When I started blogging, I found you first and through you I’ve found Jayne, the Bloggess, Alfred, and Brett and the City.

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