Posted by: stillironic | April 15, 2010

I’m Buying a Vineyard in France

I’m buying a wine vineyard in France. A lot of vineyards are up for sale now because of the economy. So if you want to buy a vineyard, now’s the time to do it. My vineyard is 27 hectares, which seems manageable, because I will be in charge. They make wine here in Maryland, so how hard can it be?

Someone asked me how it felt to benefit at the expense of someone else’s misfortune? I told them they would never ask that question of a rich person. This is the way the market works, you simpleton. I was so irked. I almost stabbed him in the neck with my Pez dispenser.

The property, which includes a 4-bedroom house, is in the Bordeaux region that produces one of the most famous wines in the world, Chateau Margaux. The vineyard is located near the town of Libourne. Close by is the ancient hill town of Saint Emilion, which has lots to do in case I get bored crushing grapes.

What do I know about wine? Well, I drink it, and not out of the box anymore, either. I pick wines based on cool labels and funky names. Australian wines excel at both. Whoop Whoop, from Australia, is one of my favorites.

Turns out hectares are a lot bigger than I thought. Twenty-seven hectares equals 66.7 acres. Guess that makes for a lot of vineyard workers to supervise. JJ will be good at that since he likes to tell people what to do.

I had originally looked at French chateaux for sale; there are 238 out there and the prices are bargain basement, chateau-wise. But I need property that will produce income, so a vineyard with a just okay house will have to do. Someone asked me what JJ thinks about all this. I said I didn’t know. I haven’t told him yet. I’m waiting till I figure out the financing.

This person was shocked that I would be making such big plans without consulting my spouse. Under ordinary circumstances I’d agree. But JJ hadn’t consulted me about his plan that we retire to Ecuador and live on the beach in a cardboard box. I thought he was kidding, but there was no smile on his face. I said, hey, it’s not my fault our 401K tanked along with the economy.

To bring my plan to fruition, all I have to do is come up with 700,000 euros for the down payment. I’m sure getting a French mortgage for the remaining 1.05 million euros will be easy…FOR SOMEONE WHOSE BIRTHDAY IS ON BASTILLE DAY. My ace in the hole.

I know you’re wondering how I’m going to finance this venture, which in dollars will cost 2.4 million. By preselling shares in the winery! I’ve got a whole slew of gullible relatives who throw away scads of money every week on lotto tickets. I’ve got friends who drink so much beer they get comped at Sea World by Anheiser-Busch. They may as well drink wine from a vineyard they have a partnership in. And then there are JJ’s relatives, at least the ones not in prison.

This is just the beginning.



  1. Hey Chica(or should I say Madame),
    Just because we bought” Chateau Sewer” when you visited is no reason to buy a vineyard. It makes much more sense to divorce Jon and marry a Duke(one who comes with a vineyard)

    • Hey, I was planning on you being my biggest shareholder, Chica! You know, after you come into the “inheritance”!

  2. Sounds like a fabulous plan. I live in California wine country. Everyone has a vineyard, even if it’s just an acre in their back yard. It sounds like a wonderful life. Go for it!

    • An acre in my backyard seems more my speed (and my wallet’s)! Actually, as I was figuring out how to “finance” my imaginary purchase, and came up with the share plan, it occurred to me it could conceivably work! Thing is, I couldn’t sell water in the Sahara Desert. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: