Posted by: stillironic | April 17, 2010

Weekend Feature: “Ask Dr. Doggett”

Maurice Doggett, Ph.D., Physics, Mathematics, Psychology, and Film Criticism

Answers to Life’s Perturbing Questions

Dr. Maurice Doggett is head of the world-renowned Maurice Doggett Institute for Advanced Research and a multitasker extraordinaire. Currently, he is working on several important projects: the invention of cold fusion, the discovery of a theory of everything, and the answer to what in the world was George Lucas thinking when he made Star Wars I, II, and III. In his newest endeavor as personal advisor to the universe, he is here to answer what perturbs you.


Dear Doctor Doggett,

I’m trying to murder my boss. Which would put me out of MY misery. Technically, that makes it a mercy killing. And qualifies it as justifiable homicide. Right? I mean the man’s a rat bastard toxic waste dump. I just don’t think I can depend on the criminal justice system being simpatico. A bunch of spoilsports, if you ask me.

My past efforts have failed miserably. Deadly spiders I unleashed in his office turned out to be dead. That biker gang I found on Craigslist—I paid them to go lethal trick or treating at his house on Halloween. How was I to know they were suckers for peanut buttercups? I’ve hired trolls, psychopaths, fiends, and one guy who claimed he was a werewolf—all to no avail. You can imagine how much money I’ve sunk into this project. At least it was tax deductible, being work related and all.

My question involves my latest plan: to serve him a poison cupcake at next week’s office party. The surest way to get him to pick the right cupcake from the tray is to poison all 10 cupcakes. This, however, would create a lot of collateral damage. So what ratio of poison vs. poison-free cupcakes gives me the best odds the boss will pick a poison cupcake without causing maximum collateral damage?


Brenda (not my real name)

Peoria, IL

Dear Brenda,

Many people suffer the hell of working for a boss such as yours. Employees so burdened often find it useful to imagine these rat bastards being eaten by a giant squid.

However, I must ask why are you wasting so much energy plus risking incarceration for the rest of your life in a maximum security facility? Why not try to find a different job? Perhaps working under a toxic boss is serving some unconscious need. If this is the case, you’re headed for a lifetime of psychotherapy.

As a rule I’m not a fan of exorcism. That said, you might consider it as an option.



  1. Heh heh heh …

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