Posted by: stillironic | April 30, 2010

Weekend Feature: “Ask Dr. Doggett”

Maurice Doggett, Ph.D., Physics, Mathematics, Psychology, and Film Criticism

Answers to life’s perturbing questions

Dr. Maurice Doggett is head of the world-renowned Maurice Doggett Institute for Advanced Research and a multitasker extraordinaire. Currently, he is working on several important projects: the invention of cold fusion, the discovery of a theory of everything, and the answer to what in the world was George Lucas thinking when he made Star Wars I, II, and III. In his newest endeavor as personal advisor to the universe, he is here to answer what perturbs you.


Dear Dr. Doggett,

I’m an assistant’s assistant to a governor of a southwestern state. Madam Gov’s been acting kind of weird of late. I think from dehydration—the dry climate and all. She’s always exhausted. She has a urinary tract infection. And she had me modify her Hello Kitty Pez dispenser to hold Ex-lax, which she’s always popping. (She blames all this on Obama, especially the blockage. Has traction here.) I’ve been trying to get her to drink more water, but the woman’s addicted to vente macchiatos—my main job here is running to Starbucks six, seven times a day. (I suggested an office espresso machine, but she said she’s no pinko commie Rahm Emanuel-loving elitist.)

Currently, I’m working on a Twitter degree in law. Civil Remedy for Deprivation of Rights Under Color of State Law is my course this term. Doggonit, but class tweets have convinced me the immigration law the gov signed—due to dehydration no doubt —is a mistake. Since she won’t drink the water, I’m going switch tactics and spike her macchiatos!!. It has to be something she won’t detect that will really dry her out. And send her packing—back to Maricopa County.

My dilemma is do I use vodka or a caramel liqueur. Bailey’s makes a nice caramel Irish cream, but she may be less likely to detect vodka.


Mickey Finster, Phoenix, AZ


Dear Mickey,

If you go ahead with this scheme, don’t plan on pursuing a legal career, tweets or no tweets. You’ll more likely be delivering mail or serving up mash potatoes IN PRISON, you fool. Your best move to foil the governor’s violation of civil rights isn’t by slipping her a mickey, or seven. Finishing your law degree and working in a legal, not beverage-reliant, capacity to eliminate civil rights violations is.

Your personal growth will not be complete unless you also examine the motives behind your scheme. Are you sure you want her out of office for policy reasons or because she’s turned you into an errand boy?



  1. I love this. Brilliant stuff. I think the Gov need a steady dosing of that “empathy spray” I wrote about.

    • Thanks! Who do people like the Gov empathize with? Do they think of Mexican immigrants as not quite human, therefore not deserving of the same rights they have?

  2. The Gov. of Mississippi sent flowers to the Gov. of Arizona in appreciation for getting the nation off his back and onto hers.

    I agree with Dr. Doggett that Mickey should finish his law degree! What I don’t understand is just why he is working for her in the first place. He seems like a pretty bright fellow, even though he seems a little obsessed with alcoholic beverages. Is his obsession a result of working for her? Hmmm, yes, I could see that.

    • I think of Mickey as young & just starting to know himself. Thought this job would be a great start to his career. He’s also drinking because he’s beginning to realize how complex life is. He’s going to have to start making choices, but focusing on alcohol allows him to put that off for a while.

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