Posted by: stillironic | May 9, 2010

Weekend Feature: “Ask Dr. Doggett”

Maurice Doggett, Ph.D., Physics, Mathematics, Psychology, and Film Criticism

Answers to life’s perturbing questions

Dr. Maurice Doggett is head of the world-renowned Maurice Doggett Institute for Advanced Research and a multitasker extraordinaire. Currently, he is working on several important projects: the invention of cold fusion, the discovery of a theory of everything, and the answer to what in the world was George Lucas thinking when he made Star Wars I, II, and III. In his newest endeavor as personal advisor to the universe, he is here to answer what perturbs you.


Dear Dr. Doggett,

I’m a Tea Partier. Is it all right to say “einy meiny miney mo, catch a person of color by the toe.”

Thank you,

Bobbo, Coyote Acres, TX

P.S. I haven’t used the “N” word since the second Clinton administration.


Dear Bobbo,

The only person who should recite this ditty is a person of color, who might want to use it for satiric purposes.

Let’s say you’re a member of a group of people who are squat, bulbous, and cognitively impaired. Would you want someone outside your group to utter “einy meiny miney mo, catch a fat-shrimp I.Q.-wimp by the toe”? I think not.

If you must say your ditty with its odious connotations—perhaps you are obsessive compulsive—do so only in the privacy of your shower. With the water running full blast.



  1. LOL! Way to tell him, Dr. Doggett! Extra bone for you tonight.

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