Posted by: stillironic | May 16, 2010

Weekend Feature: “Ask Dr. Doggett”

Maurice Doggett, Ph.D., physics, mathematics, psychology, and film criticism

Answers to life’s perturbing questions

Dr. Maurice Doggett is head of the world-renowned Maurice Doggett Institute for Advanced Research and a multitasker extraordinaire. Currently, he is working on several important projects: the invention of cold fusion, the discovery of a theory of everything, and the answer to what in the world was George Lucas thinking when he made Star Wars I, II, and III. In his newest endeavor as personal advisor to the universe, he is here to answer what perturbs you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Dr. Doggett,

I didn’t mind it when my husband Robert told me he was gay. I didn’t mind it when he had his sex-change operation. I didn’t mind it when she had a total face-

lift, though I’m now often mistaken for her mother. I didn’t even mind it when she started tattooing her body with henna and had to change her racial category to “other.”

What I do mind is she’s quit her job at the IRS and now calls herself an “artiste.” She takes everyday objects like feather dusters and salad tongs and constructs highly disturbing religious icons. Worse yet, she’s turned the front lawn into her “gallery.” Besides the fact that our income has plummeted, religious zealots are firebombing our property. And the neighbor’s self-righteous cat hisses and attacks me every time I walk out the front door.

Roberta finds these incidents “challenging.” But my life has turned into a nightmare. What coping mechanisms can you suggest? I don’t want a divorce. We share each other’s clothes and Roberta has a kick-ass wardrobe.

Thanks,

Babs in Burbank

~~~

Dear Babs,

Someone needs to be kicked in the ass, and it isn’t Roberta. She’s a narcissist who’s found the perfect patsy. That you live next door to a cat that’s a religious extremist only adds oil to the fire (or icing to the cake, if you happen to be a playwright in search of a plot).

Don’t depend on Roberta one moment longer. The next thing you know, she’ll move on to performance art and declare herself a goddess. Neither of these registers high on the list of income-producing occupations.

For godsake, woman, forget about being well dressed for a moment and focus on your own life and well-being. Getting a dog that finds cats dispensable is a prudent first step. (BTW, “self-righteous cat” is redundant.)

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Responses

  1. Dr. Doggett is a genius. Where do I get one?

    • He was living on our street–a neighbor was feeding him baloney sandwiches–and we were wanting a dog. So we took him in. It was about 20 years ago. He’s been dearly departed for four years, but still manages to channel his wisdom from the great beyond.


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