Posted by: stillironic | May 25, 2010

Living in the city means you have to put up with a lot of crap

Living in the city means you have to put up with a lot of crap. Like my car was broken into Saturday night and the ignition thingy pulled out. The nice police officer showed me how they’d broken in—they being the car thieves or thief. They’d stuck a slim jim* inside the passenger door, at the top, and pried open the door enough to pull up the lock thingy. (My car is equipped with a lot of thingies.) I guess key bumping has gone out of fashion in the villain population.

Well this slim jim is billed as a lockout tool. You’re supposed to use it to break into your own car if you lock the keys inside. Which means car thieves don’t even have to go to the special car thief aisle of the auto parts store—the section where everyone looks all furtive and jumpy—to buy the tools they need.

The local car repair shop can’t just put in a new ignition as we’d hoped. Now we have to have the car towed 15 miles to the dealer’s body shop because the ignition’s been electronically immobilized. It requires a “reprogramming,” as if the car had been corrupted by members of a cult instead of just broken into.

We can’t even hotwire the damn car. I realize the point of the immobilization is to prevent theft. But shouldn’t we have a special key or a wand and some magic words that would let us, the owners, remobilize the car. WTF? A computer can’t keep villains from breaking into my car, but a computer is needed to get my car running again.

This brings up a moral issue: Do I take a sledgehammer to the Jeep Grand Cherokee parked in front of my house? This vehicle, which has a guest pass, has not been moved once in the past two weeks. If that damn SUV weren’t parked there, I would’ve been. I would not likely have been parked at the end of the street. There are no houses at the end of the street. No potential eyes on the street give villains the advantage.

Reasons in favor of smashing the SUV:

1. SUVs suck; SUVs in the city suck even more.

2. Guest passes aren’t tickets for free long-term parking.

3. The guest pass may have been procured illegally (thanks to the head of city residential parking, a known moron).

4. Even if the pass is legal, the owner is a total jerk and should be punished.

Reasons against smashing the SUV:

1. It would create a mess.

2. I might injure myself.

3. I would probably be arrested and incarcerated someplace nasty,

4. The owner may be a guest on the street who just hasn’t moved his car and is merely an inconsiderate boob.

5. I believe in civil behavior (as surprising as this may seem).

And it would be wrong.

The againsts have it. It’ll just be me, my sledgehammer, and my imagination.


*Not the edible kind.



  1. Ahhhh what the hell, go for it. Why waste a perfectly good sledgehammer!

    • Who would not cook for you while I was in jail.

  2. Wasn’t the city starting a parking enforcement thingy where any car stationary for 48 hours was subject to ticket / tow?

    Maybe a 311 call, while not as exhilarating as a sledgehammer, would get the car moved …

    • Pooky, I should’ve explored this. The car was finally moved yesterday. It turned out a resident on our street let friends of his park there while on vacation. So the guest pass WAS used as a ticket for free long-term parking. We were about to get medieval on our neighbor’s a** (always wanted to use that phrase), when we realized that we give our guest pass to tenants who rent our little short-term apartment. So we’re doing the same thing, only worse.

  3. Maybe you just egg the SUV under cover of night?

  4. No one could possibly be blamed for eliminating a gas-guzzling, environment destroying, parking space hogging SUV from the planet. Do it under the cover of darkness.

    • Whoever invented the SUV should be shot, n’est-ce pas?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: