Posted by: stillironic | July 8, 2010

Physics ‘R’ Phascinating

physics in action drawing

Physics in Action

I recently discovered what a personal relationship I have with physics.

As most of the educated world knows, including the 40 percent of us in the U.S. who believe in evolution, physics affects everything we do. For instance, when Amtrak tells us the Acela can travel from Baltimore to New York in 2 hours and 11 minutes, it’s depending on being able to blame us when we complain that the actual trip took 2 hours and 50 minutes. When I pointed out to the Amtrak spokesperson that I had paid for high speed and wanted some of my money refunded, he was all, “It’s not Amtrak’s fault if your clock keeps time in a parallel universe.”

I responded, “So you’re not saying we were sucked into a black hole for 39 minutes?”

He responded, “No, today’s the 20th and we don’t use that excuse on even-numbered days.”

So you see how important physics is to our everyday lives.

I recently discovered my deeper personal relationship with physics while I was trying unsuccessfully to run a comb through my curly hair. I gave up with the comb by throwing it against the wall, whereupon it broke into several different pieces. That comb, I thought, is pure energy, nothing more than a bunch of vibrating electrons and quarks and whatnot. If I pick up the pieces and press them back together, the atoms should stick to one another. And presto, the comb should be back in one piece.

For some reason it didn’t work out that way. Maybe because my extreme annoyance with my hair had affected the electronic field in the master bathroom. As a result, all the electrons ended up negatively charged, which is not a copasetic situation for molecules to be in if they’re going to attract one another.

Anywho, the point is at that moment I really connected with physics by realizing my hair wasn’t under my control and never has been. My hair obviously takes orders from an alien creature in another universe. In maybe a solar system 3 zillion light-years from earth. And this means these orders were issued zillions of years in the past by a creature, which maybe thought it was giving orders to algae or an amoeba. Or a squid. NO WONDER MY HAIR’S SO FUCKING DIFFICULT TO CONTROL.

My hair could also be under the control of the me in a parallel universe, and I’m just fucking with myself. I trust this doesn’t mean there’s a career with Amtrak in my future.



  1. LOL! Thanks for explaining this to me. Now I can blame myself in an alternate universe when things go awry — as they so often do.

    • Glad to be of service! And glad you stopped by.

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