Posted by: stillironic | July 12, 2010

ATM Vandals, Listen Up

Someone who has a clod of dirt for a brain vandalized my neighborhood ATM. He, she, or it didn’t make the ATM unusable, just unusable by me.

image of brain in blue

Not a brain like this

The vandal turned the fake bankcard upside down. You know, that representation of a bankcard that shows you which way to insert your card.

Now I happen to be directionally challenged.* I won’t bore you with the technical term; that’s what asterisks are for. But anything that has to do with going in a certain direction or applying direction to a task can be a little stressful. I get lost a lot and if someone says turn right, I instinctively turn left. Once I had to rely on my two-and-a-half-year-old to get us home from the zoo in Columbus, Ohio. I had written directions to get us to the zoo, but I couldn’t figure out how to get home. (I’m not making this up).

clod of dirt cartoon figure

This brain

Having this directional disorder doesn’t mean I’m brain damaged or retarded. I don’t have to sit in a doorway with a cup, begging for coins (yet). But it does, occasionally, take me down the wrong road (a little directionally challenged humor for you!). Writing “L” and “R” on my left and right hands, respectively, helps, especially when I manage to get them right.

If you must know, my two-and-a half-year-old has grown up and moved to Hawaii, so I can’t depend on him for this task.

So at some point after the dirt clod pulled his prank, so to speak, I tried to withdraw money from the ATM. Problem was the machine kept rejecting my bankcard. By imitating the positioning of the fake card, I was inserting my card wrong edge in. If you ask why I didn’t notice the fake card’s upside-down face ID photo of the attractive young woman with the brown hair and the too cheery junior bank-teller** smile, I plead the fifth.

It was freezing cold and my glasses were fogged over. It was a really bad hair day. A cat had peed on the bed, and we don’t have a cat. One of these could have been a factor. They weren’t, but they could have been.

The point is: why don’t these vandals use a little creativity? They can’t all be dullards. You, vandals out there, exercise some imagination. If you had changed the image of Ms. Goody Two Shoes to a punker with nose studs and a tattoo of satan on her cheek you wouldn’t have exactly performed a public service. But you would have provided some entertainment. And, most importantly for your purposes, you would’ve still PUT IT TO THE MAN. And as long as you didn’t tamper with the positioning of the fake card, I would have been able to get money from the f**king money machine.

I’m intrigued that MS Word wants me to capitalize “satan.” I’m not going to do it, MS Word. Go ahead and redline me all you want.

photo of a silly-looking satan

Not worthy of a capital S

P.S. Actually walking into the bank wasn’t an option. I no longer equate withdrawing money from a bank with interacting with other human beings. One day a couple of years ago I did walk into the bank. Apparently, I had a deranged look on my face: An assistant manager skittered across the room like the Roadrunner to ask where my keeper was how she could be of help.

kitty with frog head mask around its head

This guy rates all caps!

*technically known as getting lost developmental topographical disorientation (I’m not making this up.)

**Could there really be such a thing as a junior bank teller? I’d think regular bank teller would be lowly enough.



  1. “Could there be such a thing as a ‘junior’ bank teller…” LOL!

    My, I could see where that could be one damn inconvenient disorder.

    I wonder if the vandals were sitting in the bushes laughing. What point would there be to do something like that if you didn’t stick around to laugh? Reminds me of the old “Candid Camera” shows.

    • “Inconvenient” it is! At least I don’t get lost in my own house, which apparently happens to some people.

  2. I never use the ATM. I don’t even know my pin number. As soon as I got it, I misplaced the letter, and it is too much trouble to get a new pin. So I just go inside to do whatever. I never take money out anyway, so it doesn’t really matter. If I DID take money out, I would probably forget to make a note of it. That would be soooo bad! Everyone at my bank knows me by my first name, so it is fun to go someplace where “everybody knows your name.” I rest my case!

    • I think you’ve got a good thing going!

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