Posted by: stillironic | October 5, 2010

Foreclosure Exposure

photo of a dickhead

Has the best job in the world

It’s time to look in on some of our big mortgage lenders, JP Morgan Chase, GMAC, and Bank of America. They’ve temporarily stopped processing home foreclosures. What’s the matter with these guys? Don’t they realize they have the best job in the world? For a dickhead.

I mean here’s a case of bankers pretending to lend people money to buy a house. Then when they can’t make the payments, dickheads get to seize the house back and say, “No! It’s not yours, anymore. It’s mine!”

beluga caviar

Beluga caviar ≠ following the rules

Like a two-year-old, a dickhead’s favorite words are “no” and “mine,” each followed by its own exclamation point. (If this is the only lesson you learn about high finance, you’re way ahead of the game.)

The reason foreclosures have been halted? These institutions haven’t been following foreclosure procedure. To foreclose properly and legally involves making sure the mortgage is actually in default!!!

chocolate eclair

Chocolate éclair Ø you from following rules

Following rules isn’t a top priority, though, for a person busy dining on beluga caviar or a chocolate éclair, or both—preferably not simultaneously—between sets of tennis or rounds of golf.

And if croquet’s your game, there’s also the extra time it takes to keep the lawn up to snuff—the rolling and brushing and raking, etc.

Perhaps it would have helped some if the government—pronounced, in true Reaganesque fashion, “govment”—had been a tad more specific about what it expected these lenders to do. Other than, of course, make sure the loans weren’t in fact actually, totally, completely paid up, in full.

croquet lawn

Croquet lawn takes high maintenance from rich people

Instead, the government kinda, sorta hoped lenders would evaluate the defaulted mortgage loans, modify them if possible, and, as a last resort, foreclose. The government also kinda, sorta suggested that lenders who didn’t make good faith efforts to avoid foreclosure would worry about incurring possible penalties.

Problem is the government only kinda, sorta suggested how the lenders should act. Anti-foreclosure efforts were made, in true Reaganesque fashion, voluntary. With penalties practically nonexistent. So, evidently, Chase and GMAC started robo-signing an avalanche of foreclosures (10K a month) without even any knowledge of the facts. (Robo-signing has an upside if you consider all those well maintained croquet lawns.)


Pen the robot will use to robo-sign documents


Robot ready to begin the day robo-signing foreclosures

The government should’ve been more specific, yes? On the other hand, why would government officials think to give orders to their past and future selves? Now that the government is an employment revolving door for the world of high finance and vice versa.

Friends don’t force friends to do stuff. Friends suggest.



  1. It’s “gub’mint.” And we were saying that in Texas long before Ronnie came along. As Lady Bird Johnson told me one Hill Country Morning just before she got out of bed…

  2. I KNEW you were involved with Lady Bird. Can’t remember where I heard it. Oh, yeah, I met Lynda Robb one summer early eighties visiting a friend in DC. Lynda’s eyes were still red from crying over finding out about your affair with her mother. She knew her daddy was a cheater, but never thought her mother….

  3. Luckily, Linda never heard about me and Luci. She was a tigress.

    • LOL

  4. Hopefully, now that Elizabeth Warren’s in charge there will be some serious ass-kicking going on.

  5. Elizabeth is my hero.

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