Posted by: stillironic | October 26, 2010

Capitalism? Socialism? Pass the Salt Shaker

Could those zany Tea Partiers be any more fixated on socialism? As if it’s a communicable disease like the Ebola virus and a black hole in space. All wrapped into one tidy but lethal package.

I’ve been in countries the Tea Party considers socialist. And when I stepped onto the soil I’m almost certain I didn’t start bleeding from every orifice. Not that one remembers every detail while suffering from jetlag. But I didn’t wake up on my thin socialist mattress in a pool of blood. So I’ll take that as confirmation. I also have serious doubts that after contact with socialism we are forced to watch in horror as all our favorite capitalist products—cell phones, iPods, flat screen TVs—are sucked into a black hole. Destroyed for all time. Or until Judgment Day. Whichever comes first.


First in her class for eloquence

The president, says the Tea Party, is a socialist. Or the anti-Christ. One of those, if not both at the same time. I happen to have been to Hawaii, folks, and I’ve seen a copy of his birth certificate. Poor Hawaii has almost gone broke fulfilling requests for copies. At any rate, “anti-Christ” doesn’t appear anywhere on the document, which itself is entitled “certificate of live birth.” I know it doesn’t say “birth certificate,” but please indulge me when I say the titles are equivalent.

The Tea Party also gives the impression that anyone who believes in social welfare programs has been infected by socialism. We’re talking a lot of people here—50 million are currently on Social Security alone. Call me crazy, but I think we would notice if people were bleeding like zombies while lamenting their lost capitalist products. The Tea Party would do well to stop stuffing its arsenal with flyers promoting unconcealed weapons. Takes up room necessary to fit in thoughts that require logic.


Socialism is bad. Except when it benefits me. Then it's capitalism.

There does seem to be one form of socialism Tea Partiers seem too shy to talk about. The form benefiting businesses and corporations. The libertarian Cato Institute, to cite a conservative source, put corporate welfare from the federal government in fiscal 2006 at $92 billion in direct and indirect subsidies. For comparison, that same fiscal year the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families cash assistance program paid out $9.9 billion in state and federal money to recipients that included 3.2 million children. The Tea Party is itching to dismantle programs like TANF. But corporate socialism? Tea Partiers are just perceptive in recognizing the sensitive side of business and industry. There are enough hurt feelings in this world as it is. I’m certain that tales of TP’ers who work for companies on the corporate welfare dole while self-righteously condemning folks on welfare as frauds are urban myths.

Are we sensing a theme here? Socialism is bad, except when it benefits individual Tea Partiers. Then it’s capitalism.

slug head

"Separation of church and state is unconstitutional"

For example, two people the Tea Party adores are Sharron Angle of Nevada and Michelle Bachman of Minnesota. Each is engaged in a political slugfest. Ms. Angle’s running for the U.S. Senate against Senate majority leader Harry Reid and Ms. Bachman’s up for reelection to the House. Both ladies graduated from public high schools and public universities. Angle’s alma mater, University of Nevada at Reno, is one of the 70 or so land-grant colleges and universities originally made possible with federal funds. Could these ladies have been infected by the socialism bug!

Well, Ms. Angle wants to abolish the Department of Education as unconstitutional. How it’s unconstitutional is apparently not relevant, and you were rude to ask. Ditto her belief that separation of church and state is unconstitutional. If stating something’s unconstitutional makes her sound smart can you blame her for saying it? Even if she’s pulling her statement out of her butt? (If not her derriere, where else does it, and her other whoppers, come from?) According to Harvard Business Review research, people tend to trust an eloquently stated lie more than a not-so-elegantly-stated truth. Seems not to matter where the eloquent statement originated or what it might be covered with.

Ms. Angle, who wants to privatize Social Security and transition out Medicare, speaks proudly of her grandfather. He refused to take Social Security because he thought it was welfare. She’s as proud of her grandfather’s ignorance as her followers are of hers!!! It’s funny but following Angle doesn’t seem to lead you anywhere. Brings to mind what it must be like following a trail of slime. Funny how it leads only to the slug itself.

slug with trail

Her followers know where to find her

As for the madcap Ms. Bachman, she’s dead set on putting an end to public education. Her form of schooling will feature intelligent design taught as science. After all, she claims, “There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design.” If only she could remember to add “just not here on planet Earth.”

Where’s a box of salt when you really need one.

salt shaker

A salt shaker when you really need one

Anyway, we all know socialism is what plagues those misguided Europeans, across the ocean living lives of quiet desperation. Wait. We capitalists are the ones out there perfecting all work and no play. But by choice. Because we love to be up before dawn and home after dark. We’ll take a two-week vacation if we must. But one week is preferable. Actually, a long weekend will do. All right, all we really need is a short break every now and then to run to the Coke machine. Or Starbucks, if we have a line of credit from the bank. Come on, we’re capitalists!



  1. The teabaggers haven’t the faintest idea of what socialism is. If they did, they’d realize that there are no socialist countries in the European Union or Scandinavia. They just have this crazy idea that not everything benefits from the tender ministrations of the profit motive.

    Speaking of tender ministrations, Maggie Thatcher told me one morning, “In America, *I’d* be a socialist.” She then began to mumble something about central planning as she moved her head down– Where was I?

    Oh, yes: If Sharron Angle’s father really thought that Social Security is welfare, he’s dumber than her.

    “The apple never falls far from the tree,” Maggie called up.

    “What made you think of trees?” I asked.

  2. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by The Free Market, MS. MS said: Capitalism? Socialism? Pass the Salt Shaker « Still ironic after … — Keeping Watch […]

  3. My word! Under normal situations, I never say “my word.” Now I’m having a hot flash, dammit.

    I can’t figure out if politics has gotten stupider or if the 24-hour news cycle/Internet availability of unfiltered information just makes us think it has. Don’t politicians have advisers anymore who can filter out the absurd? It’s not a good thing when the general stupidity out there is reinforced and amplified by so-called leaders.

    Next time you’re under the duvet with the Magster, perhaps she’d be willing to shed some light on this matter.

  4. Maggie and I parted after I met Fergie at a Tea Party. As great as Maggie was, she wasn’t a good-timing redhead with an hourglass figure.

    Fergie called me out of the blue early this year and told me that she wants to come over here for one of the Tea Parties she’s heard about. She changed her mind when I said that they didn’t serve cucumber sandwiches

    • She shouldn’t be so squeamish. I hear you were one of the people who told her she didn’t need plastic surgery.

      • Fergie need plastic surgery? Never! How can a cosmetic surgeon improve a redhead?

  5. I think that Fox News and the 24-hour cycle has amplified the stupidity and made it mainstream. There’s also a genuine white conservative backlash against the reality of an ever more pluralistic nation. They perceive government as being for everyone but them, and so attack it. Never mind that they’re as dependent on it as the rest of us.

    • I’m a big believer in the white conservative backlash against our ever-more-pluralistic society. Glad to see it confirmed by a smart person.

      • Who? Me?

    • Hey K — totally agree with your assessment of the 24/7 news cycle and the rise of Fox. Plus whites hear they’re going to be a minority in 2020 and go nuts. Personally, I think it can’t come soon enough considering the behavior I’ve seen. I’m truly embarrassed to be white sometimes, but then I look at my red hair and realize that I’m superior as white folks go. 😉

      • ” I look at my red hair and realize that I’m superior as white folks go.”

        Damn straight!

        White conservatives have become convinced that federal government takes their tax money and gives it to undeserving minorities who turn around and waste it. It will be fun when young minorities realize that their tax dollars support white racists in their old age.

  6. Oh, my dear (and I hardly ever say “my dear”) but you’ve done it again. I think you should submit this to all the Nevada newspaper opinion sections. I would soooo like to pour some salt on Angle. I get that Reid is not the most charismatic of candidates, but do not understand why people can’t see how dangerous someone like Angle is. There must be something very strange in the Nevada water supply. Let’s hope enough of them come to their senses soon.

  7. Thank you, my dear! I do so love the salt shriveling up the slug image.

    I thought the Harvard Business Review article was interesting, especially in regard to Angle vs. Reid. She can spout all the nonsense she wants, but if she says it in a way that speaks to people’s insecurities and makes them think she’s on their side, they’ll choose to disregard inconsistencies and lies. A little like in Germany in the 1920s & 30s.

    • Let’s hope she’s pissed off enough Latinos. Especially the ones that look like Asians. I’ve heard they can get really mean while riled.

      • Her remark makes her look like she doesn’t see Latinos or Asians as fully human.

  8. Angle did indeed pull her remarks out her ass, because they are so full of shit!

  9. So drunk on herself. She and Bachman seem to be all id all the time. They seem made for reality TV. Thanks for stopping by!

  10. What a great blog (and blog readers/responders). My visit here has been a very pleasurable interlude.

    I’ve sampled not only knowledgeable political discussion, but finely ironic prose (and I’ve learned a few new facts).

    I followed Citizen K here, I think, although I knew not before I did so.

    Lucky me.

    May I blogroll you?


    As if it’s a communicable disease like the Ebola virus and a black hole in space. All wrapped into one tidy but lethal package.

    . . . The libertarian Cato Institute, to cite a conservative source, put corporate welfare from the federal government in fiscal 2006 at $92 billion in direct and indirect subsidies. For comparison, that same fiscal year the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families cash assistance program paid out $9.9 billion in state and federal money to recipients that included 3.2 million children.

    • Why thank you, Suzan. I appreciate your comments. And of course you may blogroll me. I’m honored that you want to.


  11. Hundreds and hundreds? Really? Ask her to name them. Of course, she can’t. She made that up.
    When “Witchy Woman” was asked which women who would be sitting across the aisle from her, should she actually win, would she be able to work with. Guess who she named! Hillary! LIttle Christine hasn’t a clue as to the names of ANY women serving. This is downright frightening to me.
    You should be checking out AskCherlock for some great political articles. They are well worth a read!
    I hope to see a comment there from you.

  12. Apparently, Angle said “I read that somewhere” in reference to the cities she said were ruled by sharia law. She just grabs at anything that furthers her cause, no matter how questionable the source.

    Will definitely check out AskCherlock. I know I’ve seen this name before.

    • “Pensacola,” said Barbara Eden as she climbed out her I Dream of Jeannie costume.

      “What?” I said. “What about Pensacola?”

      “It’s ruled by Shari’s Lamb.”

      I hadn’t seen Shari in years, not since that time in Singapore. “You mean Lamb Chop,” I said.

      “That it,” said Barbara. “Shari’s Lamb Chop. He rules daytime TV in Pensacola. More people watch that than Jeannie reruns. At least that’s what I told this really strange woman from Nevada and her daughter. I just wanted them to quit bothering me.”

  13. That explains why the candidate from Nevada swears Pensacola’s run by liberal, elitist farm animals.

    Barbara Eden, eh. It was the bangs, wasn’t it.

    • It always comes back to the bangs!

  14. I don’t even know how I stopped up here, but I thought this
    put up used to be great. I don’t realize who you are however certainly you’re going to a well-known blogger in the event you
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