Posted by: stillironic | March 16, 2012

Men have thingies, too


Oodles of condoms will soon be homeless

According to Rick Santorum, contraception functions as a “license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”

I don’t know how “things” are supposed to be where he comes from. But here on planet Earth we at least expect our political candidates to articulate their beliefs more concretely than “thingy thing thing.” But what’s really important here is: why do Santorum and others of his ilk only want to restrict contraception use by women?

Men have thingies, too. And men practice birth control. Because their thingies do things the same as women’s do. To deal fully with the thingy thing, don’t we also need to address restraints on male contraception use.

Well, here’s an idea: have Congress pass a bill restricting the use of condoms and vasectomies. It could look like this:

First, condom use on the male thingy is prohibited. Other uses for condoms are legal because we wouldn’t want to bankrupt the condom industry, would we?


Other uses for condoms: Making a fashion statement!

Second, only unmarried men can have vasectomies. In Santorum World you can only have sex if you’re married, in which case unmarried men don’t need vasectomies. This logic should go over well in Congress.


How would you like this thug to reverse your vasectomy!

Third, when a formerly unwed man gets married, he must have his vasectomy reversed. And, of course, he must prove to the state that the reversal has taken place. Graphic photos of his sperms’ liberation during surgery should suffice.


This thug says "ready, set, go!"

Fourth, it’s not legal for married males to have a vasectomy. They must prove their compliance to the law by submitting yearly to an examination by a physician who then reports the results to the state. Action against men who defy the law will take place in the following way: Anti-birth control police will kidnap, drug, and transport the offender to a back alley. There, on a table with his feet in stirrups, he’ll be forced to undergo a vasectomy reversal performed by a street thug who has an on-again off-again relationship with soap and water.

condom fashion

Men can wear condoms even if it's illegal to use them!

Punishment for disobeying the law? Offenders will be forced to undergo “treatment” that involves probing.



  1. Say it Sista’ So, so true.

  2. Where can I get me a condom dress? And vasectomies for everyone! On me! This makes as much sense as the bullshit laws they’re trying to pass now.

    • Wonder if a condom dress would be a hit at a Republican fundraiser?
      The Republicans’ grand plan to appeal to the religious right sure has worked out well. If you’re a religious fundamentalist, misogynistic, racist, plutocratic misanthrope.

  3. Because most state legislators are male and, when in session, are away from home, they should have no use for their “thingies” during official state business. Therefore they should be required, by law, to wear anti-reproductive “chastity” devices when the legislature is in session. After all, they shouldn’t need their “thingies” outside of marriage (according to Santorum). This will also have the effect of making it quite painful if these legislators happen to get excited in the process of making rules governing the appropriate use of a woman’s “thingy”.

    The keys could be held at a nearby family planning clinic and only be accessed after a prostate exam, as required by law.

    • It only seems fair that if right wing state (and federal) legislators are going to be making laws that affect only women’s reproductive rights that they should be required to wear some kind of anti-reproductive device themselves that precludes any kind of hanky-panky. Newt might still be with his first wife had he been so fettered. But some other organization will have to hold the keys because if the Reps win the presidency no family planning clinic will survive the ensuing onslaught.

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